It’s suffocating. The pressure to be something great that I put myself in - that, I think, has been placed on me ever since I was just a small kid, even when I wasn’t noticing it. This feeling that I have everything I need, all the tools, to become something great.
When I look around, I see a lot of people that seem to be going through the same. When did it stop being enough just getting a B, or a job, or someone that makes me happy without all the goosebumps? Was it ever enough? All my life, I’ve been listening to “Seek more. Try harder. Don’t settle.” It’s a horrible feeling now, just wanting to settle for a little bit, just wanting to stop and take a breath.
It feels like I’m drowning in expectation everyday, and coming back up a little breathless. Always a little more tired of never being enough. It’s horrifying to think that someday, I might have a regular job, a regular family, a regular life. Because all along, I’ve been told that’s the same as not having anything at all. Possibly because I don’t know what having nothing feels like.
Always being stuck in the middle, and being told that was not where I should be, leaves it all up to me. In the end of the day, if I end up stuck in the middle, it’s either because I didn’t try hard enough, or because I’m not capable enough. Honestly, I don’t know which one is worse.
These words pouring out feel even more relieving then tears. Because they walk hand in hand - when I swallow back the tears, all day every day, I’m swallowing back the words, too. The feeling. I couldn’t take it anymore; it just felt like I was going to breakdown. Thank you for listening. Or not.
"the heart wants what the heart wants"
BULLSHIT. The heart wants what’s unavailable.